Easy Money, Part 12
Odrida stood in the open hatchway to the quarters Ham and Izzy shared. Floating by the bunks with his arms crossed defiantly, Ham was the only other person in the cabin; Izzy was in the Pit one deck below.
Odrida was trying very hard not to start yelling. There were captains who could shout and be intimidating; she knew from humiliating experience that she wasn't one of them. When she started yelling, she looked like a little girl throwing a tantrum.
Ham, damn him, was not making it easy.
"So," she said with as much Calm Voice of Authority as she could muster, "you did have sex with Merideth."
"Damn straight!"
Calm. Calm. "Ham, why did you have sex with her?"
Ham snorted. "Are you kidding? Did you see her breasts?"
"Repeatedly. Why were you having sex with her en route? Why couldn't you two wait to get a room here at Sotachi?"
"What, I had something better to do with my money? She had something better to do with her time?"
"No, but you sure as hell did!" Odrida snapped, her face heating. "You were on duty! Watching for angry crooks wanting to shoot us! Remember?"
"Yes, Odrida, I did remember. Which is why we would have gotten my dick out of her if the proximity alarm had gone off -- which is how I would have spotted any trailing ships in the first place. I'm not an total idiot. And the proxi alarm never did go off. What's the big deal?"
"You were having sex while on duty and you don't see a problem with that?"
"Look, I was on the bridge the whole--"
"So you did nail her on the bridge."
"Yup."
"Why?"
"'Cuz I was on-duty. Would have been irresponsible to go to her cabin."
"You are aware that I had her confined to Deck 4 Starboard and Deck 3?"
"Yeah, you mentioned that. I gave her the go-ahead to join me on the bridge. I had my eye on her the whole time, believe me."
Literally trembling with rage, Odrida grabbed the doorway to steady herself. "Are you telling me," she said when her jaw relaxed enough to speak, "that you countermanded my orders and let a dangerous wannabe drug-smuggler onto the bridge so you could get a piece of ass while you were supposed to be piloting the ship through a potentially hazardous situation?"
"Gee, it sounds so irresponsible when you put it that way."
Several responses popped into Odrida's mind. Half her brain disapproved of them because they were emotional, incendiary, and would do nothing to help the situation at hand. The other half disapproved because they weren't vile enough and weren't packed with adequate profanity.
"Look," Ham said while Odrida struggled to find the right outburst, "you're making this out to be a bigger deal that it is. You said it yourself, the smugglers got what they wanted from us, and we were too much bother with. 'Specially as we get closer and closer to Earth; most star systems look down on private ships going hunter-killer. And it's not like Merideth was any kind of threat--"
"Not," Odrida repeated, "a threat? Ham. That. Stupid bitch. Brought a gun. On board. My ship! Remember? Remember her aiming it at your empty fucking head?
"She didn't have the gun any more!" Ham protested. "What, you think she was going to hijack the ship? That'd be stupid -- we were already taking her where she wanted to go!"
"She was a half-assed criminal in over her head!" Odrida shouted. "Of course I thought she might do something stupid! She thought that tardball Layne was her business parter! She thought he was reliable! She thought she was some kind of cunning smuggling mastermind! The entire time you'd known her she'd done nothing but jump from one moment of dangerous idiocy to the next! What the fuck did she do that makes you think she was capable of either recognizing or acting on her best interests?!"
"She wasn't that dumb. Odrida, I don't think you're giving her enough--"
"Don't waste time defending her, you fucking relic," Odrida snarled. "You've got your hands full with your own case right now!"
"What do you want me to say?" Ham said, tossing his arms to the side. "That I shouldn't have done it? With the benefit of hindsight, yeah, sure, waiting until we were portside to bang her would have been a better idea. That I'm sorry? Fine. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry that I got some pussy. Now can we wrap this up? I need to get those new injectors fine-tuned before we get out of here."
Odrida pushed herself across the room, grabbing a hand rail and bringing her face level with Ham's, centimeters away. "The last time somebody did this much to endanger my ship and my crew," she growled, staring him dead in the eye, "I literally chucked his ass out the airlock. Remember?"
"You saying you want me off this ship, Odrida?" he asked, squaring his shoulders and meeting her glare without flinching.
"Do you want off this ship?" she asked. "Just say the word, and I will nuke your contract here and now! Hell, move fast and you can probably get a little more fucky-sucky from Merideth, if she can fit you into her schedule."
Ham stared right back at her, jaw tensed.
He's going to quit, she thought. Good, saves me the trouble of--
"No," he said, breaking eye-contact and looking off to the side. His voice was sullen and angry. "No. I'd rather not terminate my contract." His face flushed.
A long silence stretched between them. Ham did not meet her eyes again.
"Get into the Pit," she finally said, "and help Izzy finish the repairs. Your contract is good as far as Alpha Centarui. Once we're there, I have a decision to make."
Ham pushed himself away from his bunk to the hatch and disappeared, not looking back at Odrida once.
"That bad, huh?" Morg asked, glancing at her as she floated onto the bridge.
Odrida said nothing, maneuvering herself into her acceleration couch and strapping in, even though they were at least a few hours away from engine burn.
Many deep, cleansing breaths later, she was ready to speak.
"It wouldn't be so bad," she said, "if he weren't fucking proud of nailing a hooker. The sonofabitch is actually proud that he got it on with a vacuum-headed ho-bag who's had more guys in her than a passenger liner. I mean ... what the fuck was he thinking?"
"No accounting for taste," Morg said. "The worst-case scenario was accurate?"
"That they were aardvarking on the bridge while he was supposed to be on-duty? Yup."
"Is he still our Chief Engineer?
"For now.
"Which couch do you suppose they used?"
Odrida shuddered. "Morg, I think I'd prefer to go to my grave knowing as little about what they did up here as humanly possible, thank you."
Odrida pulled on her Gogs and tried to get some work done, but there wasn't anything to do at the moment. Her flight plan was plotted and registered, the ship was refueled and resupplied, her engineering crew had the repairs well in hand, and Mitch's turn in the queue through the Elephant Hole wouldn't come for at least a couple of hours.
"We did all right, you know," Morg said, breaking the long silence.
"Excuse me?"
"We did all right. We haven't gone half as far as we were paid to. Even after the fine, we still show a nice profit on this little venture."
"Morg," Odrida said, "I'm on probation. I almost lost my ship. I could have gone to jail. I could have been killed. You could have been killed -- all of you, in prison or blowed-up or dead. We're didn't make near enough money to justify that kind of risk!"
"No, we didn't," Morg conceded. "This job turned out to be a bad gamble. But, it's a gamble we won. I can live with that."
Odrida sighed. "And I suppose we've all learned a valuable lesson about the balance between passenger privacy and ship safety, haven't we."
"Oh, yeah," Morg said. "I'm thinking body cavity searches for all passengers."
Odrida snorted. "I was thinking investing in a decent chem-sniffer."
"My way costs less and is more fun."
"My way doesn't involve as much physical violation and humiliation."
"That's the fun bit!" Morg said. "It lets the passengers know where they stand. Hard to talk shit to a guy who's had his hand exploring your rectum."
There was a tapping outside the hatch leading into the bridge.
"Come in," Odrida said.
The hole in the floor opened and Izzy glided through it. "Captain Chan, Mr. Morgan, Mr. Scarpazzi wanted to let you know that repairs have been completed and that we're ready for launch at any time."
"Groovin'," Odrida said. "We won't be underway for a few more hours; feel free to take a little time to yourself until then."
"Thank you, Captain," Izzy said. He paused a bit. "Mr. Scarpazzi asked me to inform you because the two of you had an altercation," he said, cautiously.
"Correct, Isambard," Odrida said. "Ham did something really stupid, and I let him know I wasn't happy about it."
Izzy took a long breath. "I would like to ask a question, but I'm concerned that it may be none of my business, and I've no wish to be impertinent."
"Ask," Odrida said, a smile coming to her lips. "If the answer is strictly between me and Ham, I'll say so. No harm done."
Another pause. "Captain," Izzy said, "was his conduct with Miss Merideth the source of your quarrel with him?"
"Yes, Isambard. Yes, it was."
Izzy nodded sagely. "I was under the impression that they might have ..." His face turned a brilliant crimson.
"Engaged in marital relations, sans the marriage?" Odrida finished.
"Yes," Izzy said, relieved.
"That is the crux of it," Odrida said. "There's a time and a place for that kind of thing, and Ham made some very bad choices on both counts."
"The Bible teaches us to judge not lest we ourselves be judged. But I confess, Mr. Scarpazzi's conduct can make heeding such wisdom a tremendous challenge."
Odrida turned her head to hide her grin. She didn't want Izzy to think she was laughing at him.
"That's how it is with any creed," Morg said. "Universe always seems to find a way to challenge what you believe."
"As I am discovering, Mr. Morgan," Izzy said. "Tell me, why do you suppose Miss Merideth was so anxious to seek Mr. Scarpazzi's bed? Was she distraught over her betrothed being given to his enemies, and sought solace in the arms of another?"
Odrida silently ordered Morg to get her off the hook and answer that.
Morg, not being a telepath, failed to receive the order.
"I'll explain later," Odrida said. "Let's just get underway first, 'kay?"
"As you wish, Captain," Izzy said. "Though I have to say, there seems to be a rather extensive list of topics you've deferred in this way, never to bring them up again."
Shit. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry about that. You, uhm, you been keeping track?"
"Yes, Captain. I have."
"Well ... tell you what. Write down a list of the stuff we've been meaning to go over, and I'll go over it with you as soon as we're through the 'hole. Fair?"
"Perfectly acceptable. Thank you, Captain."
"We can even start with why Ham got his sexual congress on with Merideth."
Izzy smiled. "Ah. No, pay that no mind, Captain; Mr. Scarpazzi's motivations are clear as day. I do not require further elucidation."
"Yeah, raw lust is easy enough to grok," Odrida said, smiling openly.
Izzy's face turned serious. "Yes, I suppose it is," he said, "though I confess, I had not considered it. You are correct, of course; Miss Merideth was quite comely, in her way."
"Then what do you think was on Ham's mind?" Odrida asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" Izzy said. "Mr. Scarpazzi has been wed thrice, yet none of the unions have lasted, nor have they produced any heirs with whom he feels any great sense of familial connection. His chosen vocation provides little opportunity to form any bonds of fellowship or community outside of the vessel he works within; and I understand that owing to a combination of circumstance and his own occasionally disagreeable manner, no such bonds with his previous shipmates have survived to the present day.
"Mr. Scarpazzi sought Miss Merideth's company because he is exceptionally lonely."
Odrida stared at Izzy as though he'd hit her across the face with a wrench.
"Well," Izzy said, visibly discomfited by his Captain's stunned expression, "I'm sure it was obvious to you as well, Captain." He paused. "I've some correspondence with my family that would benefit from my attention. I'll, uhm, I'll tend to that."
"Sounds good," Odrida said, still lost in her own head as Izzy left the bridge.
"Jesus Christ on a cracker," Odrida said after the hatch had slid shut. "He's right, isn't he."
Morg nodded. "Yeah, probably. Ham's a pretty lonely old guy." He shrugged. "Don't think about it much."
"It's my fault."
Morg scowled. "Only if you ordered him to--"
"No, no," Odrida said, waving a hand in front of her. "I mean ... okay, yeah, he fucked-up. But so did I."
"You saying you should have spaced Merideth, too?"
"Maybe," she said. "Let's not go there. No, I mean ... back on Kane Micro. Ham was not shy about expressing how bad he wanted to rent some companionship stationside. And I ... I never really took it seriously. I treated it like a joke, you know? Like he was playing the Horny Old Fucker on a vidshow. But he needed it. He said how much he needed it. And I didn't listen."
"We kind of left in a hurry."
"Could have gotten him over there before that."
"Maybe," Morg said, "but he's still the one who screwed up. He needed to keep his mind on his duty, and he failed."
"Yes, he did," Odrida said. "But I'm the one who set him up to fail."
"You wanted to see me, Captain?" Ham asked, half-through the floor hatch to the bridge.
"I'm going to ask you a question," Odrida said. "The correct answer will be fuggin' obvious. But if you give me the correct answer and it turns out to be a lie, Buddha as my witness you will take a short walk into hard vacuum. Do I make myself clear?"
Ham nodded. "Perfectly."
"Is anything like this ever going to happen again?"
"No." He sighed. "No, I will not countermand the Captain's explicit orders. No, I will not indulge in any sort of sexual activity when I have the watch, and I will make particular effort to remain alert and attentive at such times as the ship may be in peril. No, Captain, it will not happen again."
"Good answer. I will not terminate your contract."
Ham sighed.
"Provided:"
Ham's shoulders tensed.
Odrida cleared her throat. "Isambard Kingdom Of Heaven, currently employed as Engineer's Mate on board the Mayberry Mitch, would like the following topics clarified as part of his continuing education on the ways of the cultures existing outside the hab in which he was raised -- in particular, the culture in which he finds himself now. Mr. Morgan, The List, if you please."
Ham muttered something under his breath while Morg picked up a data pad.
"Namely," Morg said, clearing his throat, "the precise nature of the relationship between our two former passengers, how it was that we determined very early on that they were not, in fact, married to one another, and how many relationships other than marriage might induce a man and woman to publicly grope one another. The Zero-G Club, how one enters it, and why we believed our ship had been contracted primarily to give our passengers a chance to enter it. Why the lack of a passenger manifest was a selling point for our passengers. The cause of our passengers' peculiar behavior prior to boarding. The concept of ménage à trois, and what Mr. Kingdom Of Heaven's role in such a hypothetical event might have been."
"You might need to take a break at that point," Odrida said.
"Why First Mate Vu Morgan felt compelled to arrive with a firearm on Kane Micro," Morg continued, "and why Mr. Morgan felt compelled to use said firearm. Why Captain Chan was enraged by the presence of illegal substances on her vessel yet took a much more permissive attitude towards the blatant fornication of our passengers, which is itself questionable conduct by law and expressly forbidden by the Bible. Why our passengers were using us to transport said illegal substances, why violence ensued when said substances were discovered, and why we surrendered said substances and one passenger to the criminals chasing us. Why it is that Miss Merideth was so eager and willing to seek 'solace' in the arms of another man, namely Chief Engineer Muhammad Scarpazzi -- though that may be obvious, depending on previous answers. And why Mr. Scarpazzi paid for that solace while on duty."
"Be honest," Odrida said. "Be courteous, and be polite. And remember, Big Sister is listening."
Ham grumbled something unintelligible. "He'll ask questions," he finally said.
"I expect he will," Odrida said. "Bright, inquisitive lad, that one."
"No, I mean ... it's going to take forever. You realize that? Each answer I give him is going to spawn two more questions!"
Odrida nodded, mock sympathy on her face. "Yup. Forever and a day. You could be a while."
"And ... he's going to pull that 'Oh why have you betrayed me, revered Tribal Elder?' shit! You realize this, yes? He's going to take it ... personally!"
"I expect he will be disappointed with your conduct," Odrida said. "Which is why you're under orders to be honest, courteous, and polite; I'd hate to think of you cheating his education with convenient answers."
Ham stood in fuming silence.
"Fine," he said. "I'm on it. When?"
"No time like the present; I think we've kept him waiting long enough."
Ham's glare shot daggers at Odrida; she returned it with a look of cheerful innocence.
He left, closing the hatch behind him.
"Captain," Morg said after a long pause, "I never noticed it before, but you have a real sadistic streak."
She grinned at him. "Does that worry you?"
Morg shrugged. "Well, most commanding officers have one."
Odrida wasn't sure if that was a shot, a compliment, or a little of both, and decided not to worry about it.
In just under an hour, they'd be underway again, heading for Alpha Centauri and ... okay, she still wasn't sure, precisely, what else. Still, the triple-system was heavily-populated and enjoyed reasonable levels of law and order; there ought to be somebody who needed to charter a small ship for something or another.
She unstrapped herself from the couch and closed her eyes, floating away from it.
She still had her crew. She still had her ship, and enough money to keep it flying.
She was still free.
And very, very soon now, she would be flying between the stars again.
She couldn't wait.
<end>
